Mayor Kilpatrick - If It Weren't for Bad Luck

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I wonder if pundits and commentators had as much fun clowning President Bill Clinton as they do Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. Thanks to some of the most brilliant political wit since Mark Twain, there was a steady supply of jokes about the Clinton-Lewnski scandal to last through his entire tenure.

Kilpatrick, on the other hand, is staying in so much trouble that we're running out of material and we might have to start taking this thing seriously. God forbid.

Case in point: the order of a Wayne County judge that the mayor be sent to jail as a result of his violation of bond due to a perjury charge, stemming from his whole text messaging scandal. ...

Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

  • Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

    ** FILE ** Wayne County prosecutor Kym Worthy addresses the media in her office in Detroit, Friday, Jan. 25, 2008. The investigation into whether Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his former top aide committed perjury or other crimes during testimony in a highly publicized whistle-blowers' trial is all part of the job for the Wayne County prosecutor. And she doesn't even consider it the toughest assignment she's had since she's been in the prosecutor's office. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio, file)

    AP

  • Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

    Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick addresses the media during a news conference in Detroit, Tuesday, March 18, 2008. A nearly unified City Council voiced its displeasure with Kilpatrick on Tuesday, calling on the scandal-tainted mayor to resign. A resolution, which passed on a 7-1 vote in the early afternoon, was more of a "no-confidence" vote. The council doesn't have the power to force Kilpatrick to step down. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio)

    AP

  • Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

    Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick addresses the media during a news conference in Detroit, Tuesday, March 18, 2008. A nearly unified City Council voiced its displeasure with Kilpatrick on Tuesday, calling on the scandal-tainted mayor to resign. A resolution, which passed on a 7-1 vote in the early afternoon, was more of a "no-confidence" vote. The council doesn't have the power to force Kilpatrick to step down. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio)

    AP

  • Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

    ** FILE ** Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox speaks during an interview in this April 11, 2005, file photo, in Lansing, Mich. Cox said Wednesday, March 12, 2008, that Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick should resign because he's a liar and a race-baiter "on par with David Duke and George Wallace," and no longer fit for office. (AP Photo/Al Goldis, file)

    AP

  • Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

    Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick gives his State of the City address in Detroit, Tuesday, March 11, 2008. A prosecutor says she will announce in two weeks whether she will file perjury charges against the mayor and his former top aide. The case stems from a criminal probe of whether Kilpatrick lied under oath when he denied an affair with former Chief of Staff Christine Beatty that was revealed in the text messages. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio)

    AP

  • Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

    Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick gives his seventh State of the City address in Detroit, Michigan, March 11, 2008. Embattled Detroit Mayor Kilpatrick on Tuesday said scandals threatening to derail his second term amounted to a "hate-driven, bigoted assault" against him and vowed to stay in office and fight for sweeping investment plans for the city. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook (UNITED STATES)

    Reuters

  • Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

    Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick points towards his family before the start of his seventh State of the City address in Detroit, Michigan, March 11, 2008. Embattled Detroit Mayor Kilpatrick on Tuesday said scandals threatening to derail his second term amounted to a "hate-driven, bigoted assault" against him and vowed to stay in office and fight for sweeping investment plans for the city. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook (UNITED STATES)

    Reuters

  • Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

    The parents and sister of Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, Congresswoman Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick (L), Ayanna (C) and Bernard Kilpatrick stand before the start of Mayor Kilpatrick's State of the City address in Detroit, Michigan, March 11, 2008. Embattled Detroit Mayor Kilpatrick on Tuesday said scandals threatening to derail his second term amounted to a "hate-driven, bigoted assault" against him and vowed to stay in office and fight for sweeping investment plans for the city. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook (UNITED STATES)

    Reuters

  • Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

    DETROIT - MARCH 11: Detroit Police Chief Ella Bully-Cummings says the Pledge of Alligiance before Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's State of the City address March 11, 2008 in Detroit, Michigan. Several members of the city council protested the Mayor by sitting in the audience instead of sitting on stage with the Mayor. (Photo by Bill Pugliano/Getty Images)

    Getty Images

  • Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

    Protestors demonstrate outside of Orchestra Hall where Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was giving his State of the City address March 11, 2008 in Detroit, Michigan. Four members of the nine-member council declined to take their customary seats onstage with the mayor, who is in the midst of a text-messaging scandal involving charges of sexual misconduct and of perjury related to a whistle-blower lawsuit filed by former police officers against the city. Bill Pugliano/Getty Images/AFP == FOR NEWSPAPERS, INTERNET, TELCOS & TELEVISION USE ONLY == (Photo credit should read BILL PUGLIANO/AFP/Getty Images)

    AFP/Getty Images



To his credit, Kilpatrick's jailing actually is the result of him sticking his neck out for the city. According to the Detroit News, the reason he got locked up is because he had to go to neighboring Windsor, Canada, to work on a deal to sell Detroit's share of the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel. In effect, although he only traveled one mile, that not only means he left the state, but the country as well.

Damn! "If it weren't for bad luck, he wouldn't have no luck at all."

This also means that a surrogate city official Kandia Milton, has to take over city hall; the governor, Jennifer Granholm, who I'm sure would rather be participating in the presidential election on behalf of the Democratic Party, has to deal with a political crisis in her state's largest city; not to mention the city has to deal with a double-digit unemployment rate; a third-world infant mortality rate; hovering high-crime rate; which is exacerbated by a dropout rate of as much as 68 percent; and oh yeah, the industry upon which the entire city depends: autos, collapsing like a thousand dominoes.

Well, here's some good news: the mayor's mom Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick recently narrowly won the local Democratic primary, albeit only by about 1,700 votes. Okay, maybe that's not such good news, but at least she keeps her job in the Congressional Black Caucus -- that's if a Republican challenger doesn't jump up and convince black people in Detroit to vote GOP in November, which at this point I don't think is too far-fetched an idea, they've done it before.

Full disclosure: the reason I'm so hard on Motown is because it's my hometown and I really hate seeing it tank like this. Fifteen years ago, no matter what people said about Detroit, we could give the world a confident middle finger for dissing us. But now, when people talk trash, unfortunately much of it is true. Maybe we should have listened to the constructive criticism, even if it did come from white folks (which I'll admit is hard to do).

But all seriousness aside...

Listen, we at BV have been blogging on this whole Kwame deal for a minute. So if you've been reading us, you know we've tried our best to bring you the straight dope on this whole issue, despite how irreverent or shock-value oriented my writing can be. But for real, help us out. I really am running out of funny stuff to say about this. It's not like we've got Comedy Central's budget.

In fact, if Mr. Paul Mooney, who writes better jokes about black people than anyone else, would like to step in and commence the clowning, we would be much obliged.

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