Five Jobs Kwame Kilpatrick Shouldn't Apply For

After 99 long days, former Detroit Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick has been sprung from jail, and to be honest, I really feel like I should give this brother a break. I've screwed with him quite enough. He's been through tons in the media and has been beaten up quite a bit in the public and private galleries.

After all, it's not like he killed anyone.

He's reportedly headed down to Texas to try to start a new life for himself and his family, although suburban Dallas sho' ain't Detroit, so it's likely he'll miss his hometown. He's looking for a new job, and to make nice with the newly freed man, here are some suggestions for jobs he should NOT apply for. ...

1) Publicity representative for weed-smoking Olympic athletes.
After being convicted of lying under oath, Kilpatrick shouldn't look for work promoting dudes whose best line is "puff, puff, pass."

2) Cinematographer for science fiction sequels.
If Kwame ever made the mistake of walking into the "line of vision" of a short-fused actor (Christian Bale) with a huge sense of self-entitlement just to check the lighting ... Watch out!

The ensuing argument would bring out the Detroit in Kwame, and said actor would go quickly from Batman to Bat-Mite.

3) Attorney for impeached governors.
Actually, he wouldn't make such a strange bedfellow with a guy like this, considering he left office under duress himself.

But how much good could he really do for a cat who's running through daytime and late-night talk shows proclaiming his innocence, and in essence, stealing Kwame's best lines?

4) Celebrity live-birth blogger.
Gross. Imagine sitting in a delivery room with incense and candles burning, placenta shooting all over the place, a mother chanting "yee-yo, yee-yo," and you chronicling each moment on your laptop. Too intense. He might mistake the umbilical cord for a USB connection.

5) Headhunter for presidential cabinet positions
This would probably be the toughest job of all. If the only people you can find are folks who "forget" to pay thousands of dollars in taxes, and thus can't even make it to the Senate confirmation stage, you'll wind up having to find people like cousin Ray-Ray and 'dem, who don't pay taxes at all but know more about economics than....hey, wait. Actually, that sounds like a pretty good job. Congratulations, Kwame, you're hired!

Kwame Kilpatrick Pictures

** FILE ** Wayne County prosecutor Kym Worthy addresses the media in her office in Detroit, Friday, Jan. 25, 2008. The investigation into whether Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his former top aide committed perjury or other crimes during testimony in a highly publicized whistle-blowers' trial is all part of the job for the Wayne County prosecutor. And she doesn't even consider it the toughest assignment she's had since she's been in the prosecutor's office. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio, file)

AP
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick addresses the media during a news conference in Detroit, Tuesday, March 18, 2008. A nearly unified City Council voiced its displeasure with Kilpatrick on Tuesday, calling on the scandal-tainted mayor to resign. A resolution, which passed on a 7-1 vote in the early afternoon, was more of a "no-confidence" vote. The council doesn't have the power to force Kilpatrick to step down. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio)

AP
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick addresses the media during a news conference in Detroit, Tuesday, March 18, 2008. A nearly unified City Council voiced its displeasure with Kilpatrick on Tuesday, calling on the scandal-tainted mayor to resign. A resolution, which passed on a 7-1 vote in the early afternoon, was more of a "no-confidence" vote. The council doesn't have the power to force Kilpatrick to step down. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio)

AP
** FILE ** Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox speaks during an interview in this April 11, 2005, file photo, in Lansing, Mich. Cox said Wednesday, March 12, 2008, that Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick should resign because he's a liar and a race-baiter "on par with David Duke and George Wallace," and no longer fit for office. (AP Photo/Al Goldis, file)

AP
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick gives his State of the City address in Detroit, Tuesday, March 11, 2008. A prosecutor says she will announce in two weeks whether she will file perjury charges against the mayor and his former top aide. The case stems from a criminal probe of whether Kilpatrick lied under oath when he denied an affair with former Chief of Staff Christine Beatty that was revealed in the text messages. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio)

AP
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick gives his seventh State of the City address in Detroit, Michigan, March 11, 2008. Embattled Detroit Mayor Kilpatrick on Tuesday said scandals threatening to derail his second term amounted to a "hate-driven, bigoted assault" against him and vowed to stay in office and fight for sweeping investment plans for the city. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook (UNITED STATES)

Reuters
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick points towards his family before the start of his seventh State of the City address in Detroit, Michigan, March 11, 2008. Embattled Detroit Mayor Kilpatrick on Tuesday said scandals threatening to derail his second term amounted to a "hate-driven, bigoted assault" against him and vowed to stay in office and fight for sweeping investment plans for the city. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook (UNITED STATES)

Reuters
The parents and sister of Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, Congresswoman Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick (L), Ayanna (C) and Bernard Kilpatrick stand before the start of Mayor Kilpatrick's State of the City address in Detroit, Michigan, March 11, 2008. Embattled Detroit Mayor Kilpatrick on Tuesday said scandals threatening to derail his second term amounted to a "hate-driven, bigoted assault" against him and vowed to stay in office and fight for sweeping investment plans for the city. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook (UNITED STATES)

Reuters
DETROIT - MARCH 11: Detroit Police Chief Ella Bully-Cummings says the Pledge of Alligiance before Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's State of the City address March 11, 2008 in Detroit, Michigan. Several members of the city council protested the Mayor by sitting in the audience instead of sitting on stage with the Mayor. (Photo by Bill Pugliano/Getty Images)

Getty Images
Protestors demonstrate outside of Orchestra Hall where Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was giving his State of the City address March 11, 2008 in Detroit, Michigan. Four members of the nine-member council declined to take their customary seats onstage with the mayor, who is in the midst of a text-messaging scandal involving charges of sexual misconduct and of perjury related to a whistle-blower lawsuit filed by former police officers against the city. Bill Pugliano/Getty Images/AFP == FOR NEWSPAPERS, INTERNET, TELCOS & TELEVISION USE ONLY == (Photo credit should read BILL PUGLIANO/AFP/Getty Images)

AFP/Getty Images