How Do You Spell Socialism? B-L-A-C-K

Many of you fear that President Barack Obama will soon thrust this great nation in to the throes of socialism and fascism. But an insidious socialist, government-controlled organization has already infiltrated our country at the federal level, and it's disguised as an organization that "benefits" us all. And it has been in existence since 1775.

These evil people number 656,000 strong, and their sinister business is to take everything, from tax returns and bank statements to Christmas cards and wedding invitations, and move them across the country through their gargantuan network of processing facilities and blue-uniformed carriers.

This socialism must stop. The fortunate thing is that they are kept at bay by free market and private businesses, such as FedEx and UPS. And thanks to the Internet, much less of your personal and business information is traveling through the group's horrid, fascist system, so much so that it is experiencing serious financial strain.

The fear-invoking name: the United States Postal Service (cue evil organ music here).

Okay, fah real, doe...this is actually a posting about how stupid right-wing accusations against the president have become the product of people who clearly have the IQ of dead algae.

Look, the reason I used the Post Office example is because of the actual dictionary definition of socialism: "a system or condition of society in which the means of production are owned and controlled by the state."

What this means is that any government-controlled entity that actually produces a good or service can be considered socialistic in nature. So when you look at it, we've been living with -- and benefiting from -- socialism our entire lives.

Think about it. It's not just those insipid mailmen and women who find a way to get you your postal goodies despite rain, sleet or dead of night. There are those terrible people who run your local water utility and deliver potable water that is on average cleaner and safer than anything you'd buy in the store.

Or how about those dastardly firemen, who have the nerve to bring their Stalin-worshiping butts around whenever there is a blaze. Hmmmph! They've got some nerves saving babies and old folks.

Maybe we should really watch those cantankerous guys at the National Parks Service because they must think they are God's gift when they preserve nature and ensure that the country's forests stay intact, thus reducing greenhouse gases.

The point here is if you expect to continue to have the high standard of living we have here in America, you'd better damn sure hope we keep a level of socialism in this country or you can forget about calling a cop the next time a kid breaks in to your car (and please don't give me any bull about how you've got a concealed carry permit, because we both know you don't have the balls to shoot a fleeing 12-year-old in the back).

Now this isn't to decry the free market either. Capitalism does far more to advance people's ability to move to a higher standard of living than anything else, hence the ability for taxpayers to afford socialist institutions like, um, public schools. The free market creates wealth and gives us more financial security than welfare ever could. And that's why America works: You've got people sucking on two institutional (en)titties: on the left, state-run facilities that provide needed services; on the right, an ability to buy and sell goods and services at will based on supply, demand, scarcity and one's individual ability to pay for it all.

So if you go to a tea-bagger rally, or even one of the recent town hall meetings, where they are shouting that President Obama is a Marxist or a reincarnation of Hitler (funny, Hitler hated communists), you should know that most of these people have no idea what the definition of socialism is, are being duped by any and every right-wing TV talking head idiot out there and may be falling for the intentions of racists who are using the word "socialist" to cover up the word they really hate: "black."

And, yes, there is something to heed in New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd's words when she says that a fringe element has reared its head and shown its a -- because a black man is president.

Now he's at the center of a period of racial turbulence sparked by his ascension. Even if he and the coterie of white male advisers around him don't choose to openly acknowledge it, this president is the ultimate civil rights figure -- a black man whose legitimacy is constantly challenged by a loco fringe.

For two centuries, the South has feared a takeover by blacks or the feds. In Obama, they have both.

Make no mistake, it's not being said on the cable news networks, but I wish they would put 'em on the glass for once and just freakin' say it: These people loathe the fact that a black (not biracial, not "mulatto," not half-white, none of those terms are significant given the hybrid nature of African American DNA) man is president of the United States of America.

This isn't to say that you're a racist if you disagree with any or all of the president's policies or even if you didn't vote for him. Hell, I don't agree with everything he says, but that doesn't make me a sellout. There's no law that says you have to like Obama, just like there's no law that's going to make me stop becoming nauseous every time I think of Ronald Reagan.

But responsible conservatives in this country are doing little or nothing to distance themselves from the fire-breathing schizophrenics trolling around the nation shouting how much they hate Obama but offering nothing in terms of solutions for the economic, health care, terrorism or educational crises we face. They're cool with the country being ruined, as long as a white guy is doing it.

When one of these fruits opens fire on innocent kids or, as in the case of Timothy McVeigh, blows up a building only then will they decide to claim that their movement is opposed to extremism. If Republicans don't want their party being the party of miscreant sociopaths, they will actively and vocally veer away from and shun people who are literally calling for the president to be murdered. I'm not kidding about this. Take a look at this:

How about this, America. Think for yourselves. Television pundits don't care about you, your kids or your future. They only care about keeping their pulpit to spew more nonsense for people who just want to be told what they want to hear. Use reliable, creditable sources of information that can be easily fact-checked through public records. That's the way we're taught in journalism school, and there's no reason you can't do it either.

And the next time someone starts hating on socialism, just tell them you can't hear them and won't be able to until you get old and Medicare starts paying for your hearing aid.