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What happens when a parent and an adopted child don't bond? In blogger Anita Tedaldi's case, she and her husband gave their South American-born toddler son to another family. She related her story to the New York Times' Motherlode blog back in August and repeated it Oct. 1 on NBC's 'Today' show:
"I loved him, and I cared deeply for him," Tedaldi told Matt Lauer Thursday in New York. "I tried to do the same exact thing I did with my biological children, but over time, it became clear that our family maybe wasn't a good match for him, that we were unable to meet some of his needs." SOURCE: MSNBC.com
Her adopted son, who is only referred to as D., had been found abandoned by the side of a road in South America. He was thought to be somewhere around 1 years old at the time. His legs were underdeveloped, and his head was flat in the back from being left in a crib unattended. Tedaldi and her husband, who is in the military, already had five natural daughters of their own and wanted to welcome an adopted child into their home. She says their decision to adopt was done after a lot of careful research, and that they were thrilled when they found out D. was available.
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However, once they had D., a host of physical, developmental and emotional problems plagued their relationship with him over the next 18 months. On top of that, parents and child failed to bond with each other. He wasn't "attaching" and "the realization that I didn't feel for D. the same way I felt for my own flesh and blood shook the foundations of who I thought I was," Tedaldi confessed to Motherlode. They decided to find another family for him.
Tedaldi and "Samantha," D.'s new mother, spent days meeting together with the boy to smooth the transition. Tedaldi wrote movingly of the last time she saw D.
"I kneeled down and pulled D. close to me, desperately wanting to impress an indelible memory of my son on me, and me on him, inhaling his scent, feeling his soft skin and touching his coarse hair. In our last moments together, I stared into his eyes and told him that I loved him and that I had tried to do my best," she wrote. "His new mom would love him so, so much; my little man would be OK. He didn't cry, he stared back at me, then looked to Samantha and asked for more juice." SOURCE: MSNBC.com
Do you think she made the right decision? Opinions vary within the Black Voices community about her choice.
Said ToddyEnglish:
Oh, I guess she wanted to be trendy like Angelina and Madonna so she went and got one of these uber-chic colored babies...an accessory for all occasions. Then she came to the realization that she got a human being and NOT another pair of Jimmy Choos....Hopefully, he finds a good home with parents who truly know what it means to be PARENTS.
Schail6 was more forgiving:
I would rather that she gave the child up than kept him, knowing full well that she didn't feel a connection with him as she did with her other kids. But if she knew this, I think she should have done it earlier.
What do you think?
Comments: (32)
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By: joancarol on 10/01/2009 7:00PM
Some of these poor abandoned children are never able to bond with anyone.
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By: shantrell on 10/02/2009 5:20AM
I DO NOT THINK IT WAS A CASE OF BONDING WITH THIS CHILD AT ALL. AFTER THE PUBLICITY WAS OVER AND THE MONEY BECAME A LITTLE SCARCE FOR THIS CHILD, SHE FOUND OUT THAT SHE AND HER HUSBAND MIGHT HAVE TO COME OUT OF POCKET FOR A FEW MEDICAL BILLS AND THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD NOT BE WORTH IT...END OF STORY.
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By: ayomide on 10/01/2009 8:17PM
I agree with the first comment. I mean they found the poor baby on the side of the road, how at that age is he suppose to bond with someone. I think she could have overlooked that and focused on raising him the best she could and give him a home. He might have learned how to bond later on not as a baby. I am glad she gave him back since she couldn't overlook the bonding and focus on something more important.
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By: Anita on 10/02/2009 1:10PM
Ayomide, do you know the importance of bonding? Your comment, "she could have overlooked that and focused on raising him the best she could and give him a home," was indicative of one who does not know nor understand the importance of such.
Ayomide, bonding is the intense attachment that develops between parents and their baby. It makes parents want to shower their baby with love and affection and to protect and nourish them. When a parent lacks the desire to do so, the baby is the one who suffers. I believe bonding begins with the parent. Bonding fosters a healthy development of the child in all aspects and implants a sense of security from the first moment the child is embraced by parents.
Apparently, this couple, for whatever the reason, did not want to parent this child; they obviously lacked the desire to do so. Anita's comment the child was not attaching was the clue for me; bonding does not happen overnight. It is an act of love in progress, which is an infinity of taking care of the child even as he/she sleeps. We, as parents, want to take care of our children. In doing so, we are bonding and fostering that attachment Anita stated was missing -- it is about the parent.
I was saddened to read this adoptive parent gave away such a needy child. However, based upon her comments -- it was the best thing for baby "D". This little one needs love and parents who aspire to give him such.
Another thought, if I adopted a child - I would compare my natural children to the child. I never compared any of my children to the other. I never questioned if I loved one more than the other. I just loved each child as individuals and felt blessed to have been given the awesomeness of having children -- natural or adopted. As such, her comment that she did not feel the same for baby D as she did for her natural children smacked of a woman who did not want the baby.
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By: iaukea418 on 10/01/2009 9:11PM
She probably gave the child up because he was not one of them, meaning that the child was black. How does she think biological parents would feel if they had a physically impaired child. They stay and stick it out, but not always. Maybe it was just too much for her who knows. Birth parents give their children up. The one thing that I can say is that she kept all five of her daughters.
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By: Black Sunshine on 10/04/2009 5:43PM
How can race really be a factor, if at the beginning she didn't care whether he was black or not by adopting him in the first place?
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By: LANETTE on 10/06/2009 9:08PM
great comparing being black to a "physically impaired child", that's just so nice of you really.
at any rate as for this women we all know why she gave the baby back...the kid is better off anyway.
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By: TDM on 10/01/2009 10:42PM
Being a peds RN, I agree with her returning the child. I agree because she's woman enough to admit she wasn't capable enough to care for this child. Now, I will acknowledge that she's completely OUT OF LINE, she's wrong. Her ambition MAY have been good, it may have been great but things change. See when you adopt/take care of a child that's not yours genetically, you have to take whatever comes with child. When I see parents/guardians do this, it happens more than one thinks, it's very disturbing. Life is not PERFECT.
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By: carl on 10/02/2009 1:08PM
hey she did not abandon this child on the side of a road she attempted to love and care for. the true victim is her husband i can hear him thinking no no no and hell no and her like most females going yes yes yes poor guy
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By: ayomide on 10/02/2009 2:08PM
I work with children so I do understand what bonding is and thank you for "trying" to school me. What I was referring to was that the child is a baby... that might not know how to bond at that age because of his circumstances. If giving time he might have bonded later on. Remember this wasn't some 10 year old kid that wouldn't talk, this is a BABY that was left on it own to survive.
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