Am I a Bad Black Woman? Vol. I

Though we don't like to admit it, there are certain feelings that, as a woman and specifically as a black woman, I'm supposed to have. African Americans are pretty legendary for our "blackness" litmus tests. Add being a woman on top of that, and the community can be pretty demanding about what you should and shouldn't think.

Well, I'm here to confess my Internal Blackness Violations (IBVs). I'm finally going to get it all off my chest. These are things I often think, but dare not say. Until now.

And while many of my most secret thoughts may undermine my legitimacy as a black woman, I must let them out before I explode. I warn you. It's not pretty.

1. I think Michelle Obama is kinda funny looking.

2. I could care less about that hoopla over Reggie Bush being on the cover of Essence and even less about who he dates.

3. I think the WNBA is full of ugly lesbians (not that anything's wrong with that).

4. I think Michael Steele is embarrassingly inarticulate.

5. I think many of Tom Joyner's "Little-Known Black History Facts" are, in fact, not true.

6. Women sportscasters, police officers and soldiers make me uncomfortable. Pam Oliver not withstanding, I just haven't gotten comfortable with women in those positions yet. I want a man to show up to my 911 call. Sorry Gloria Steinem.

7. I think Kwanzaa is stupid. (And too damn complicated)

8. Sometimes I say in my head, 'I'm glad my hair isn't as nappy as hers.'

9. I think David Brooks is right more than he is wrong.

10. I think Tyra was getting too big.

11. (As a single black woman) I'm sick of hearing black women complain about being single. Read a book.

12. I think Michael Baisden is silly, loud and annoying, and that most of the people that call his show are morons.

13. The bitter black women wing of the blogosphere is so tired. They all just need to get laid. Outrage-obsessed black women are sooooo 20th century.

14. I've never liked Teena Marie's voice. I think she sounds terrible.

15. Whenever they start to play reggae music at a party, I go sit down.

16. I secretly think all Nigerians are gonna rip me off. Sorry.

17. I haven't bought a Mary J. Blige album since "What's the 411."

Whew! The first step is admitting the problem and being honest with yourself. Okay, now I can sleep tonight.

Do you have any IBVs?

Peace, people.