I AM Saying She's a Gold-Digger: The High Cost of Divorce

Being a gold digger

I recently read about the latest news on the divorce settlement last month between rapper Nas and singer Kelis. According to the Associated Press, a Los Angles family court judge has ordered Nas to increase spousal and child support payments from $40,000 to $51,101 per month to his former wife and their son, Knight. The increase comes due to an assessment of Nas' income.

Nevermind that Nas owes millions in back taxes and has a $700,000 bill with his manager. (It never ceases to amaze me that rappers buy $100,000 cars but won't pay an accountant.) Kelis says the amount is justified, because although she recently signed on for an album with Interscope, she has had a difficult time finding work outside of the music industry. She hasn't filed a tax return in years. (Are you for real?) There's always work at the post office.

Whereas there seems to be a flood of articles on single black women, I'd like to address the other side of getting a ring put on it. Divorce.

I'm not sure exactly how we got to this point as a society, but somehow we have managed to stress independence and self-reliance to women while simultaneously celebrating the Art of Gold-Digging.

In an age where women have more opportunities than ever, why is there such a focus on getting a man's money? We couldn't help but speculate on what Tiger Woods' wife would get in the divorce, how much Nicole Murphy would take Eddie for, or the famous diamond ring bribe of Vanessa Bryant by Kobe in the midst of rape allegations. We are fascinated by these women, and they often become celebrities themselves by virtue of their upgrade in financial status and the visibility afforded to them by these famous marriages.

But you don't have to go to Hollywood to see the art of the Gold Dig. Just watching any episode of Real Housewives of Wherever, I get so angry at these women proclaiming themselves so successful and fabulous when all they really have are: wealthy mates. I remember the first season of the Atlanta show, where "housewife" Sheree, who was in the midst of a divorce from a professional football player, proclaimed that she was hoping for a good settlement, in the seven figure range. She wanted her kids to continue in the lifestyle they had become accustomed to. I wanted to say, well when YOU get a career, where you make 10 million dollars a year, then you can.

I'm singling out this show but I hear this type of talk all the time. It pervades our music, movies, reality shows and ultimately affects the way we raise our daughters. And yes, there are male gold-diggers too. Can anyone say "Punk"? But I talk about women because that's who I know best.

But male or female, where does this sense of entitlement come from? You came in to a relationship with nothing, and when you leave, you're suddenly the Queen of Damn England? It's sickening. Where do women get the sense that they are OWED anything? I am a firm believer that everyone should leave a relationship with what they came in with. Now, sure there are exceptions; for example, when a woman puts a lucrative career on the shelf to raise the children. In that situation, it's certainly fair that the woman is entitled to some financial assistance because she, in essence, relied on the marriage to her financial detriment. I'm also not talking about women who have contributed significantly to the success of her husband's business enterprise. (And by contribution, I mean something relevant to his business, not sleeping with him, washing clothes or shit you would have done with a broke man too).

But in this day and age, those are generally the exception. I'm talking about relationships where a woman's primary goal is to be involved with a man who is economically better off than she is. Why is your role as wife and/or mother a reason for you to hit the lottery upon the dissolution of the marriage? From Kelis to Heather Mills, every other week you read about some other woman's over-the-top child support or alimony demands. I think it's pretty outrageous and sad.

It really angers me to see women, who are perfectly capable human beings, make it their mission in life to take what someone else has worked so hard for. If they spent as much time and energy improving themselves as they do trying to stick men for their paper, maybe they wouldn't have to go through life petty and begging. From the settlement that never comes to fake ass disability claims to spousal support, I hate to see anyone living life waiting for a check.

One more thing, what's this "keeping the ring" nonsense? I heard two stories this weekend about women refusing to return their wedding/engagement rings in favor of "cashing that bitch in." The rings are a symbol of the marriage, not a new Iphone he gave you for Christmas. Yeah, he liked it, he put a ring on it, but now it's done. The marriage is over, give it back and keep it moving.

And what's fascinating is that women often brag about this. They are so proud of themselves for having gotten just as much money as they possibly could out of somebody. They are just beaming when they speak of how much they got in that divorce settlement or how much they sold their rings for. They don't care what they put their kids through, they just want that cash. It's so pathetic and small. They don't realize how poorly it reflects on their character. They don't seem to realize that it diminishes them. There is nothing attractive about "coming up" on the back of someone else. What are they teaching their daughters about self-reliance?

Women use the power, often given to them by the court system, to get all they can from men, but what they don't understand is there is infinitely more power in independence. There is power in self-reliance. Of course, men should support their children, I'm not talking about those situations. I believe every child should be adequately supported by both parents. But child support is for your CHILD's needs, not a discretionary revenue stream to enhance your lifestyle.

I'm talking about women who view men as opportunities to "get theirs." A truly powerful woman walks away from a relationship waving good-bye, not holding her hand out. A truly powerful woman thinks about what's in the best interest of her children and makes sure they are taken care of first. I know women who have held their kids hostage from their father in an effort to extort a better divorce settlement. A truly powerful woman knows that the world owes her nothing for simply being born a female. She knows that the best rewards are for things you've worked hard for and can call your own. She knows to teach her children that you never have to beg for anything and that entitlement is earned.

Now I can't let men off the hook completely because, let's face it, you chose these heifers. Sure, sometimes there is a bait and switch, but generally, men, if you look back real close, didn't you kinda know there was something tricky about this woman? Didn't you have some moments when the relationship spidey sense went off? But she was sooooo beautiful, or she cooked so well, or the sex was so good, so what the hell. We all must take responsibility for our choices, so know that, whether you're a man or woman, when you choose your partner poorly, the consequences can be disastrous emotionally and financially.

Now gold-digging is certainly nothing new, but in this age of women making enormous strides in education and in the workplace, please know that you don't need somebody else's money. You are perfectly capable of earning it yourself, and trust me, it feels so much better that way. A rich husband doesn't make you successful, success does. And even though gold-digging is glamorized in music, movies, celebrity culture and endless reality shows, please know that it will never get a high five or a "you go, girl" from me.

Peace people.