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As I was leaving a supermarket in downtown Los Angeles that I frequent with my husband and two sons, an African-American female security guard made the statement, "I told my daughter I want to be just like you. Your family seems so together and happy." We chatted for awhile, and I learned that she was the unwed mother of 4 children and struggling with two jobs to support her family.
As many wives will attest, my first thought was, "It looks good from the outside, but we have our share of issues." I have a deep respect for my husband's place in our sons' lives, and a deeper understanding of its importance. Not only because of the lessons that only a man can teach, but because of the emotional support and stability that comes through having a partner who is as completely vested in your children's well being as you are.
Sadly, that is an existence that many African-American women are not experiencing nor expecting.
According to government statistics, 72 percent of African-American children are born to unmarried Mothers and that is something that Dr. Natalie Carroll, an obstetrician who has dedicated her 40-year career to helping black women, feels is unfortunate.
"The girls don't think they have to get married. I tell them children deserve a mama and a daddy. They really do. A Mama can't give it all. And neither can a Daddy, not by themselves," Dr. Carroll says. "Part of the reason is because you can only give that which you have. A Mother cannot give all that a man can give. A truly involved father figure offers more fullness to a child's life."
This is not just an opinion. According to Children-our investment.org, homes without fathers ultimately affect children in numerous tragic ways:
- 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
- 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
- 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes
- 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes
- 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
- 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes
- 85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes.
There are numerous perspectives that involve dissecting the pathology of the "Unwed Black Mother," and in truth, it is an issue which deserves national attention. Not only does it affect our communities, but it is also a reflection of society as a whole, and the detrimental effects of slavery on the black family.
There was a time, much like now, when black men were perceived as a threat, and ripped apart from their spouses and children, if not murdered before their eyes. The black woman was able -- through wiles and the appearance of subservience -- to stay with her children, but forced into the role of head of household by default.
As slavery ended, and Jim Crow was ushered in, black men, victims of segregation and occupational and educational disparities, found themselves in the dangerous position of having to provide for their families by any means necessary.
Today, that translates into racially motivated prolonged prison sentencing, some of our women bartering their sexuality for safety and security, our men doubting the necessity of their presence and our children struggling to understand their worth. The trusting bond between black men and women has been strained, often with neither sure of the motives of the other. Love is often replaced with condescension and resentment, leaving the strength of our families systematically diminished.
"It's all connected. The question should be, how has the black family survived at all?" says Maria Kefalas, co-author of "Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage."
It is our responsibility as a community to regain the familial balance that is integral to our survival as a people. Now many women have had to struggle to raise children on their own, and they are doing a phenomenal job. There are also those women who would prefer their children be raised by a single Mother rather than being in an unhealthy relationship; I applaud that decision as well.
It is our responsibility, though, to check the resumes of these men before we share our bodies to ensure they are not only good for an interlude, but a lifetime of parental involvement.
"There are a lot of sides to this," Dr. Carroll says. "Part of our community has lost its way."
Just because we are capable of being Superwoman and doing it all on our own, does not mean that our children understand our sense of self-preservation and determination, and it is the child who potentially suffers.
We must get it together, black people. Maybe marriage is not necessarily the answer, but a committed relationship would definitely go a long way to ensuring the well-being of our children.
There is too much at stake. There are too many hurdles that must be crossed, and too many odds stacked against us. Our families have always been our greatest strength, and our self-imposed isolation from each other is our greatest weakness. If we are to grow as a people, and reach our full potential, we are going to have to do it together.
While we can blame the government, history, slavery, poverty and a slew of other reasons for the state of our communities and the issues our children face, ultimately, the responsibility falls squarely on the shoulders of the parent in the mirror. And that's exactly where it should be.
Comments: (175)
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By: vdog on 11/09/2010 9:14AM
Sistas gotta stop laying down with BUMZ and having their babies. Understand what a MAN really is outside of what DA STREETS and DA RAP INDUSTRY tells you what one is.
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By: Pauline on 11/09/2010 9:15AM
Thank you baby for making this point!
Let's use some real numbers here because that will reveal it all. So when you see statistics like 48% of black women have this or such and such percentage of black women have this amount of wealth, get the hard numbers. Because sometimes the sample size used for the percentages is very, very small. (In some cases, think 7,000 black people from a specific region of the country out of 40 million black people total in the U.S.)
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By: Cookie on 11/09/2010 9:37AM
...well...judging from experience...having a dad in the home can be just as disturbing as not having him at all. Self-worth is "instilled" into a child, be it directly or indirectly. Actions shout, words are but a whisper.
Faith comes by Hearing repeatedly, so what we do repeatedly and not sporadically or just doing right when we feel like it doesnt work. It must be regular, expected, without assumption. Love not in Word only, but in DEED and truth. So many answers are right in God's Word. He made these bodies, he made them to thrive and respond best in the care, nuture and admonition of the Lord by Father and Mother. I call it "ill-faith" when a parent degrades their young constantly.
I've seen it done from diapers to college and beyond. I've even witnessed parents frowning at their pre-schoolers scribbled-drawing and coloring. Little things like this stay with a child. Too many black parents will tear-up a child with the belt over a bad grade or a call from the school, and then when they get a good grade or a blue-ribbon on their assignment that same parent only says something like "good, now go clean that nasty-a-- room, and get all that @#$% ---." yknow? All that's going to stick with and affect that child is the trauma of the bad grade.
There are better more constructive ways to deal with a child's bad behavior, it doesnt always require severe punishment, these days it should NEVER require it. The days are evil, people aren't the same, back in the day Dads would spank their kids while they talk to them "this is hurting me as much as it's hurting you" and etc. nowadays parents have a much shorter fuse and go into a rage, shouting, hollering, threatening, name-calling etc.
These things Break a Child's spirit. Destroys their self-image, makes them feel like "what's the use?" So they look for the satisfaction they should be getting at home, elsewhere...be it drugs, the sense of accomplishment from burglary, theft, violence, or what I call "psuedo-love" from a man, be he unworthy or no. Too many young ladies are really trying to experience the Love of a man they should've experienced in having a father. The sweet-talk is new and feels alot better than mama's yelling and scolding all the time, so some "cool-jerk", comes along and takes what she's too ready to give and he moves on and leaves her more empty than the void the was trying to fill.
How is it that my siblings and me had both parents all our youth, were in and out of relationships, jobs, tried drugs, and dropped-out of college the first term, but my dad's 1st born before marriage, raised by her mom and grandma was a scholar who put-off parenthood for a career, earned her PHD, and married a doctor, lives in a mini-mansion, kids finished college, retirement is secure and savings and investments are healthy...how is that?
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By: KEN on 11/09/2010 9:39AM
then call me cause i am single too (48) and break all the stats: no gay or downlow, own NEW home, vehicles paid for, no i mean no debt other than house, too much money to not know what to spend it on etc. PO BOX 13003, macon, ga. 31208
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By: john on 11/09/2010 9:44AM
Fathers have no rights to their children. Their children are the sole property of their mothers; who have absolute ownership of them. American Laws have been fashioned to the benefit of the mothers only with the benefit of the children being secondary. There is no benefit under the law for the fathers, only to pay the lifestyle of the mother and children. In America, fathers have no value to the family, only his money matter not his time with the family or the children.American women/mothers have gotten everything they wanted in family laws. How can the legal removal of husbands/fathers from the family caused such problems with the children? Didn't our social scientists and social workers consider the cause and effect of absolute rights and laws which benefits the mothers overwhelmingly over the husbands/fathers? How could the ones who are suppose to know everything make such a horrible miscalculation, when they allowed the systematic removal of the husbands/fathers?
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By: rudy on 11/09/2010 10:50AM
Some unwed black mothers have no option not to marry father of their kids because some black brothers disrespected them ..That's how they ended up that way...I understood why black sisters refused to marry unless black brother have a good job and become breadwinner .Then they can get marry... Many black grandparents telling them I do not want man disrespected my daughter so she can move on of their own and go back to school to get a good job.. ...That's the problem..I read other post mentioned the percent of unwed black mothers are higher than other races are incorrect..Well If the statistician tell us what census 2010 on the forms about the percent of unwed mothers...See the famous biracial actress Halle Berry is unwed mother!!!She refused to marry the father of her daughter...Is it bad example of her to represent black unwed mothers who are working women of all races...Absolutely yes!..Think about it..We have to teach black young women not to open their legs and saved for marriage down the road...Thats what we are trying to do this for many years!..Have to stop break the cycle..
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By: clarke on 11/10/2010 8:36AM
YOU WON'T MARRY BUT YOU'LL SCREW AND HAVE A BABY. YOU SOUND LIKE A DAMN FOOL.
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By: pimpinperry2 on 11/09/2010 3:06PM
I have a question for you. If the men that these women are choosing are showing no respect to them then why 1) are they with them and 2) why have thier baby.
You are one of the many people who don't get it.
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By: vdog on 11/09/2010 3:59PM
It's just this simple- SISTAS, LEAVE THE BUMZ ALONE. You KNOW when a dude is a BUM so ACT LIKE YA KNOW. Stop the cycle of trying to GET BLOOD FROM A STONE- BEEN TOO LONG.
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By: clarke on 11/09/2010 9:53AM
GIVE IT UP JOHN L AND joed, YOU COULD EXPLAIN TILL YOUR BLUE IN THE FACE BUT THOSE WHO HAVE THE SLAVE METALITY CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO TELL THEM BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND IT. THEY WANT TO KEEP BELIEVING EVERY NEGATIVE THING THAT THE WHITE MEDIA PUTS OUT ABOUT AFRICAN AMERICANS AND BY WHITE MEDIA I MEAN Aol, OWNERS OF "BLACKVOICES" BECAUSE IT SERVES THEIR PURPOSE. SO ONE DAY ITS BLACK MEN THE NEXT IT'S BLACK WOMEN THEN ITS BOTH. SINCE AS I STATED I THINK YESTERDAY MOST BLACKS OVER 50 ARE ONLY THE THIRD GENERATION OUT OF SLAVERY ITS GOING TO BE A WHILE BEFORE WE AS A PEOPLE ARE TRULY MENTALLY FREE.
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